Unanswered Prayers

My birthday was finally here, I was awoken like most mornings with a smile and a squeeze from Nathan, he is always the first up in the mornings. Jacob was soon to follow. Sean got up and got my presents and the boys were full of excitement giving them to me. We put on Bruno Mars “Perm” and had a little disco in the bed. The opening line is “It’s my birthday (No it’s not) ……”. After our sing song and the boys shaking there moves, it was time to get up and get organised. Bathroom first and then……. My periods had arrived. As prepared as you are for them to come, there is always disappointment. It hit me like a blow to the chest and I was crying uncontrollably in the bathroom. Sean came to see what was the matter, the boys were down stairs having their breakfast. He hugged me and told me everything was going to be ok and it will happen when it’s supposed to and all the usual things a man says when he really has no clue how their wife is feeling at that moment but is instinct is to make it better. I was inconsolable.

Tears as big as golf balls streamed down my face for what seemed like hours, I felt drained and my heart was hurting. I had to pull myself together. It was my birthday, I had to go to work. I had so much to be thankful for. I got ready and set off, on the way I called the chemist and ordered my medication for this cycle, I am always worried to order it before I get my periods in case I am giving up hope and with that maybe brings bad luck. Always stay positive until reality hits. Work wasn’t too bad. I work with my Dad so I got a big birthday hug when I arrived. His business partner heard me talking about buying a BBQ and gave me one of the commercial ones we have on sale in the showrooms. The day was starting to look up.

I called my gynaecologist that I visited in January to arrange follicle tracking for February. She too prescribed me hormones to take at the beginning of each cycle but I decided to stay with the medication from the clinic in Dublin as it was a full treatment of each cycle from start to finish. I was booked in for Day 9, which to me was too early and I explained that I don’t usually ovulate until day 15/16. No it was Day 9 and that was it. This worked out to be a Friday and as I only work a half day on a Friday I decided to book the day off.

In a bid to cheer me up Sean booked Kelly’s Steakhouse for dinner that night and I organised my sister to babysit. The food was fabulous as usual and we had a great evening. I even treated myself to some wine. It was straight to bed after dinner. Friday was a busy day. I had work for a few hours and then off to the local GAA Dinner Dance. When I got home it was off to the blow dry bar for GHD curls and then to get my make-up done. My neighbour is a make-up artist and she is amazing. She always makes me look and feel great. I wore a black jumpsuit from Joanna Hope purchased from the Simply Be website. It was bedazzled and very flattering.

It was a great night and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I was able to relax and unwind. I met the midwife from the clinics that we attended during both pregnancies and she was always so good to us. I told her my situation briefly and she said to hang in there, to continue taking the metformin and it should start to work in the next couple of months. I needed to hear that and get her reassurance. I was obviously meant to go to the Dinner Dance and meet her that night.

The month continued and I took the hormones on day three and day four. This month they had been increased to ten from seven to see if this had any affect. I went for my follicle tracking in the early pregnancy unit in Portlaoise on day nine of my cycle. It was great to go as it gives you some indication of what’s happening on the inside and if your body is responding well to the drugs. The lady who did it for me was amazing, she was so kind and helpful and had great advice for me that I had never heard before. She suggested taking Exputex as this would help me produce more mucus each cycle. You should take it in the days coming up to ovulation. She also suggested that both Sean and I start taking Co-Enzyme Q10 as it helps strengthen the head of the sperm to aid penetrating the hard exterior of the egg and also should help me produce better quality eggs. There are loads of more reasons why to use these supplements but they are the main ones.

That day my largest follicle on my right-side measured 21mm. This was a big improvement to last cycle and I was over the moon. I went out to the car and called my fertility advisor straight away. She suggested calling the clinic, which I did next. They wanted me to take the HCG injection the next day. A mature follicle that is due to rupture usually reaches 24mm, on their advice, so I was very close. Once the injection is given, it causes the follicle to rupture within 36 hours and then ovulation occurs. The reason behind the injections is to ensure that the follicles rupture as sometimes this process doesn’t occur. As it happened the next morning I got a smiley face on my ovulation test which indicated an LH surge. I was good to go. I called Mary and made arrangements to see her that evening.

This cycle progressed normally, the progesterone was not really affecting me as badly anymore and I started taking Femtab this cycle to bring up my Oestrogen levels. On day twenty (peak plus seven) I got my bloods done and the results came back a few days later. My Oestrogen levels had come back up to 605, I was thrilled but the progesterone was still low at 42.6. It’s so frustrating, one without the other is no good and I had to prepare myself for disappointment again this month.

As it happened my periods were late, I got very excited and was praying for a miracle. In the back of my mind I was excited. A year previous I had lost a very special uncle and I pray to him and Nana all the time to send me a baby, put a good word in. It was coming up to his 1st year anniversary and my periods were nowhere to be seen, I thought my prayers had been answered. But it was not meant to be. They came a few days later and again I went through the same emotions as last month. I felt myself slipping under the dark cloud again, I thought this month was it, I felt like I was being teased with them being late. It’s not fair. I would love that baby so much and I honestly considered giving up treatment. I had a review appointment with the clinic in Dublin that I made in November and I postponed it. I couldn’t face it, it wasn’t going to affect this cycle regardless as it had begun already, so what was the point until I figured things out in my own head.

It’s so hard every day to face infertility issues. I know I have my beautiful boys and they are what keep me going. However, they are constantly asking for a new baby, especially my oldest boy, he loves kids and is so kind and gentle with them. He likes to talk before bed every night and have cuddles and asks when Holy God is going to send us a baby. He plans if it’s a girl or a boy depending on his mood that day and he picks out the baby’s name. He tells me he wants the baby to sleep with him and we laugh and joke about him changing dirty nappies. He refers to the spare room as the baby’s room and we have all got into that habit now. I always tell him our baby is not ready yet but Holy God will put it into Mammy’s belly as soon as he/she is. Kids are so accepting, this is all he needs to hear and off he goes to bed. Kids are so resilient, there innocence to the big bad world is something to cherish. Keep the problems away and let them just enjoy their childhood.

Oh to be a child again ……………………………………

To be continued

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