Mammy Guilt

Mammy guilts are the worst. I take my hat off to working Mammy’s, it must be so tough to be away from your children every day. I count myself as very lucky and although I am a working mother, I only work 27 hours a week, 10 to 4 Monday to Thursday and I finish early on Friday, so I can do the school pickups. I am blessed that I can drop my kids to school every morning, enjoying a dance and a sing on the way and watch them as they run happily into school.

I put in a few tough weeks, it doesn’t happen often, but it made me think and appreciate how lucky I really am. Some nights it’s been 7pm when I was get home, dark outside and really cold and so tired after a long and stressful day. I get into my nice warm house and I am welcomed with hugs. Then its straight upstairs to get my clothes off and wash my face and I snuggle in on the couch with the boys and Sean for loads of hugs and kisses. The little time we have together on those long days before the bedtime march is precious. Then Nathans ears began to heat up and get red and Jacob starts to wilt, and you know it’s time for bed.

Sometimes we take for granted our little people and we dwell on the all the stuff they do to annoy us. I don’t know about you but there are times when I am sick of listening to my own voice. Stop doing that, get dressed, eat your dinner, stop fighting, stop killing each other and so on. I get so caught up on how busy I am, where the kids have to go today, is the house clean, how much washing I have to get done and how tired I am.

There is always someone out there worse off. I have the freedom of the evenings and the leisure of getting ready in the mornings. There are Mammy’s and Daddy’s out there who leave early in the mornings and don’t get home until their little ones are ready for bed or sometimes asleep. I don’t know how you do it. You are amazing.

I have a friend who made a choice to change career from a few hours a week to a commitment of shift work, long hours, a tasking job and all for the sake of her family, her kids and a better life. How hard it must have been to make that decision, the guilt and the torment of “Am I doing the right thing”. Well I think you are amazing and I commend you. I know its not easy being away from your kids but in order to get the things you need and want in life, sacrifices have to be made. I also think the time spent with your family is more precious and you cherish it more. Kids are so resilient, and they adjust well to change. As long as they know they are loved, that’s all that matters.

Mammy guilts are the worst, I can’t speak for Daddy’s because I am not one, but I feel the Mammy guilts all the time. After a long day or a stressful occurrence, it’s our loved ones that suffer the most. I know myself when I am stressed or upset I don’t have the same patience. Or when I am trying to concentrate on something important I am not always present. At night time in our house there are stories, songs and enough cuddles for a year. However, when it becomes late, and monkeys start messing and not getting into their beds or whinging, my patience slowly disappears. Sometimes I snap and shout to get back into bed or go to sleep and as I walk out of the room Mammy guilt sets in and I don’t want my cross voice to be the last thing they hear before going to sleep. I creep back into the room for more kisses and cuddles, a few I Love You’s and Goodnight.

Another example of Mammy guilts is on the way to school and your 5 year old gets upset about something totally irrational, like he has my bottle and I wanted that bottle…….. He starts to whimper and cry and before you know it you are at the school. You don’t want to send him into school upset so it’s cuddles behind the car door in case anyone see’s you hugging him and his street cred is ruined. You wipe his eyes and kiss him on the cheek. He wipes it off and says ughhh because you are in public. You try to say something funny to make him smile and if that doesn’t work you accidently hurt yourself off the car door. Hurting yourself usually gets a giggle. As he runs into school your heart breaks just a little because you just wish you could have cuddled him all day until he was ok again. Mammy guilts – who’s idea were these, who invented them?

Well I wish all the Mammy’s out there a Mammy guilt free day. Take a day to yourself. Kiss your children on the cheek and tell them you love them and go do something that makes you feel good. You need it to reboot the batteries and I promise the guilt will still be there when you get back. Be kind to yourself x ……………………….

To be continued

Sick of Hospitals

After my last post I was very sick for approximately three weeks. I think I may have got food poisoning and because I have IBS the symptoms were prolonged for a few weeks. I was so fed up of going to the toilet, feeling nauseous and just tired all the time. I think some of the meds may have aggravated the symptoms too. Not pleasant. It got so bad that I could barely get out of bed and on one Thursday afternoon I went to my GP. After explaining my symptoms and the pain I was physically feeling in my abdomen she sent me to A&E.

This was a very long night. My sister came over to watch the kids as Sean was working late and I headed off. The waiting room didn’t look too bad on first appearance and I thought I would be seen to quickly, but I was so wrong. I got there around 5:30 and left a 2pm none the wiser as to why I was so sick. I sat in the waiting room for most of that time while 8 people were seen ahead of me. I was starting to wilt as I hadn’t eaten of drank anything all day and I was exhausted. I think they must have forgotten about my chart because after the eight person was called ahead of me and the ninth person was told he was next I had to say something.

Speaking to the lady at reception I was starting to get upset. Soon after I was called into triage again and this time the nurse took my bloods. An hour later a doctor called me. She brought me through the dark, overcrowded hallways to find a room she could talk to me in. She asked me to describe my pains and my symptoms and she looked at my chart. I had told the nurse in triage that I suffered from IBS in the past and when the doctor looked at my file and saw this her mind was made up. She didn’t want to know anything else and just dismissed all my concerns. No tests were ordered except for my bloods and she proceeded to discharge me. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to stay but I didn’t make the decision to go over there lightly and I was going home in the same state I came in. She left to write me up a prescription and came back approximately an hour later to let me go and then had to send a nurse back to remove my cannula. Needless to say, I crawled into bed when I got home.

The previous day I had been to the early pregnancy unit in Portlaoise to have follicle tracking done. The first on in a long time and I was nervous. It was my left side that was active that month and there were two follicles, a 16mm and an 18mm. I was thrilled and scheduled to come back on the Friday for a repeat scan.

On Friday I was wrecked after being in the hospital all night. I got up and went into work as we were so busy I couldn’t afford to be out sick. I arranged for the boys to be picked up from School and I went straight to the hospital after work. While waiting I was excited to see how much the follicles had grown and today’s scan would give me an indication of when I need to give myself the HCG injection. I didn’t have to wait too long, and my Gynaecologist appeared to do the scan. We went into the room and had a quick chat about the last scan and the last few months.

I was lying on the bed with my legs open in a vulnerable position, watching the monitor with bated hope that I was going to get good news. This time it was going to be different. To my disappointment there was no change. The follicles had not grown in size and looked hazy on the monitor. I hadn’t ovulated. I had no mucus this month which was a clear indicator that my hormone levels were not right starting this cycle, I should have known by this indicator alone. I was heartbroken and as she continued to talk to me I felt myself disappearing into my thoughts. It was hard to concentrate. Then she asked what I wanted to do next and had I considered IVF. I couldn’t take it all in.

The lady who scanned me the last day came into the room and I just shuck my head at her. She gave me a sympathetic look and I tried to hold it together. I then thought of being so sick and could this have impacted it. They both said that it was likely, and the Doctor ordered a stool sample to be analysed for me. I left soon afterwards, trying not to engage in more serious conversations.

I didn’t get to take the HCG on my peak day or day 14 as there was no point. But three days later I started the cyclogest, femtab and the HCG trigger shots on days 3, 5 and 7 after peak. I made an appointment to get my bloods done a week later and was hoping that these results would be good.  I called on the Tuesday to get the results and I nearly fell out of the chair when the nurse gave them to me. My Oestrogen was 804 and my Progesterone was 199.5. I couldn’t believe it, my progesterone was the highest it’s ever been. I asked her to re-check the result of the progesterone as it was so high. I called the clinic in Dublin and they reduced my hormones at the beginning of the next cycle and said that it was a good month. I was glad the blood results reflected the change in the medication as it meant my body was finally reacting to them. It also meant I was starting the next cycle with good results and this would be beneficial to trying and retaining a pregnancy. December would be my month………

To be continued

Giving Back – Action for Homelessness

With Christmas just around the corner and so many without roofs over their heads I thought it would be nice to put together a few essentials for those who are homeless. I contacted PATH Portlaoise action to homelessness and they will accept anything that we can collect.

There are two ways to help. Firstly you can purchase some items from the list provided below and drop them off to the Portarlington Community Centre, there will be a large box in the foyer/reception area, which will be in place tomorrow.

Or you can donate money using the link below. I have set up a Go Fund Me page and any donations, small or large, will be used to buy supplies and donated to the amazing volunteers at PATH. The supplies will be donated on the 21st/22nd of December.

Thank you in advance for your support x

List of Essentials:
Tooth brushes
Tooth paste
Deoderants
Shampoo
Shower gels
Wipes
Small packs of tissues
Band aids
Hats, scarves, gloves
Socks and underwear
Crisps
Chocolate
Small bottles of water/juices
Sleeping bags

 

https://www.gofundme.com/actionforhomelessness

 

I would like everyone to know that I was not approached by PATH to do this collection, I just felt an urge to give back and after watching TV over the weekend, seeing people in tents or on the streets broke my heart. Whatever their circumstances, however they ended up there, they are human just like you an me and the deserve to be looked after and to be seen. Every little helps and the supplies we gather as a community will go a long way. PATH Portlaoise Action to Homelessness relys on people just like you an me to fulfill the amazing work they do. By just providing a small portion of your Christmas spend you can help someone.

Please note that any money raised on the go fund me page will be used to buy supplies with full transparency. The total raised will be supported by receipts and proof of purchases.

Feel free to share my posts and PM me.

Love Dawn xox